My Beautiful Rose

My sister passed away on August 27th. She was terminal with cancer. A COVID test was done prior to a test of some sort and she tested positive. My niece and her husband got COVID. Rose’s funeral had to be delayed until Friday, September 17th. Because of COVID, there can’t be an open casket funeral and visitation, funeral, and burial must all take place on the same day.

It is all so surreal.

Since I am in a power wheelchair getting to the funeral is impossible.

It has been a while since Rose passed, but it feels so new. So different. My world isn’t the same. She is the first of the four sisters to die. We all expected it would be me, including me.

Sissy is no longer in Soul wrenching pain – for this I am grateful.

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Hauntingly Beautiful

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It’s True: What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

It really is true: What doesn’t kill you, does indeed, make you stronger. What they don’t tell you is that it happens again. It layers. Because you’ve gotten stronger. It isn’t a cycle or circle either. Like I said, it layers – stacks. As long as you live there will be more layers of bad times. It is a thing as constant as death and taxes and idiot governments.

For a while, realizing this made me very down. I couldn’t see a positive ahead of me because of those moments I knew would come in my future. The Future was Bleak; the Now was Bleak. The Bleak became a dark mass that rolled out from my heart and down arounnd me from everything happening. I thought I had hit rock bottom before, but this was really it. And it was bad.

Eating was difficult physicially and emotionally.

I couldn’t feel anything and that made me so mad I was furious! I agree – it makes no sense whatever, but that was what was going on inside. I was confused, in a sense, of what wasn’t genuinely feeling.

Pain, for me, is constant. Somewhere on my body, joints I am hurting. The smiley face is there for me because hurting at one degree or another is always there. And the pain increases. Pain can go from 0 to 100 in .01 seconds! Pain isn’t fun. It can be overcome, but it isn’t fun. So, my head was in such as spot I wanted to experiment to see if it was my body that didn’t feel or my soul.

The result of the experiment: At that moment I didn’t care I hurt or was hurting physically because my body was really just useless. My Soul was so overwhelmed with what was settling around me that it had all it could take, too. It felt like there was no room left on the inside of me to breathe or eat or express emotion. I couldn’t read, draw, write, knit, or paint to try and get some of the tensions and thoughts, emotions away from me.

I felt like I was drowning in a big deep, black ocean. The next thing I realized was that The Husband and my beautiful niece kept my head above water while they pulled me to the shore. The Husband did most of the pulling and swimming. He didn’t judge. He just kept heading toward the shore with me in tow. Even though they had gotten me to shore and I was safely on dry land, nothing was the same in my head.

After about two days a thought came to me: You can’t totally give into this.

Me: Why not?

Thought: Because you are probably going to live several years yet, and should. This isn’t the end.

Me: How do you know?

Thought: Oh! Come off it! You know the same.

And I did. There was going to be more hard times for me ahead.

Was that true? Was there a way to get out of the ick I felt myself in? Then another thought rushed in: It said, ‘You totally can’t give in to this‘ which implied the pit was even deeper, perhaps bottomless.

That made me physically feel sick – the pit, the black, the Dark could be even deeper.

So, I gave up and genuinely said, “God help me!”

I wasn’t really expecting anything to happen, except some more tears. Yes, there was more tears, but a warmth spread over and through me taking away all of the unnatural chill inside me. (I had been freezing for the past few days as it was.) The warmth was as though an extra blanket had been added to the bed on a chilly night. No, it was more like someone had wrapped an extra blanket around me. That is the best way I can describe it. The anxiety halved, which left a considerable amount remaining.

That is what I have to work on.

So – for many days I have been praying, reading the Daily Readings, and leaning heavily on my faith. I have also been leaning heavily on my Guardian Angel. The Husband is there, too. Rock steady.

Now I am finally feeling like a real human being. Mostly. LIke I said – there are some things I need to work through. Since it isn’t unusual to have an online counselor now, I am going to go that route.

Why am I putting this out to the public? Because there are others out there going through the same dark, deadly mass, and I need for you to know: It. Can. Get. Better, Just don’t give into it completely. It is going to be there, just don’t let it rule you.

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The Lights Are Going To Stay ON!

Thank you to everyone who donated and supported in spirit! There is now enough money to pay the electric bill AND repair the HVAC! I have never been so relieved in all my days! The pressure was beyond belief, and now it is alleviated. Again, thank you SO much and GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!

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Truly Humbled

The response to the recent GoFundMe to help keep the lights on at the house has reached a milestone of $1,900! Thank you to everyone who has contributed and shared the GoFundMe link! We might actually hit the goal over the weekend and I can pay the electric off on Monday or Tuesday next week!

Again – Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Below is the link to the GoFundMe page. Would you please share it? The more people that know the better.

Again – Thank you SO much!

https://gofund.me/d3f154a8

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Help

Here is a GoFundMe link. I need help to keep the electricity on. The blurb on the GoFundMe page explains everything, but if you need more info I will give the whole story up tomorrow. There is too much going on now for me to concentrate more.

Thank you all for any help you can give.

https://gofund.me/512fb0e2

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Breather

Things are moving forward at the unimaginable snail speed of 1.5 inches per hour! I am pleased. There wasn’t any forward movement or momentum for a while. It is slow, but will speed up.

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I must admit I am quite tired. Maybe sleep will come tonight?

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Rain

It has rained a lot here in Leslie County this week. When it rains I want to go outside and just sit on the porch. Haven’t done it yet.

My nephew’s funeral went well I’ve heard. I didn’t get to make it. I am OK with that.

Sissy is…in a lot of pain. She has begun having kidney issues, too.

Sissy is fading away slowly. The only way I get to see her is if someone sends me a picture. Thankfully, we talk, or at least communicate with each other, every day.

All the time, in the back of my head somewhere, I am thinking, “My Sissy is dying of cancer.” Incredulous! Then a part of me wants to panic: “O my God! How do I help? How can I help? I can’t help, dammit, because my body is broken! But still, How can I help her? How can I show her just how much she matters in my world and that I’m really going to miss her when she is no longer in my realm?”

Emotional rollercoaster I’m on one.

To fight against everything disheartening in my life, I am going back to being creative. I’ve been painting, drawing, reading, and slowly beginning to write again. Just one thing can’t hold this…whatever it is I have now. Luckily, my mediums of expression can compliment each other and co-exist without feeling totally draining on yours truly.

I am enjoying the creative expression, but, it isn’t helping to take away the pain of what my beloved Sissy is going through, but it is helping me deal with the change coming our way.

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What Should Be Included in Your First Draft? – by J. D. Edwin… — Chris The Story Reading Ape’s Blog

on The Write Practice: What should be included in your first draft? Writing the first draft of a book is incredibly difficult. So much so that many writers don’t even finish their first draft. Why is this? And how can we prevent this from stopping us from writing our first drafts? Every writer who has […]

What Should Be Included in Your First Draft? – by J. D. Edwin… — Chris The Story Reading Ape’s Blog

This is a very helpful article! I suggest saving this one somehow gents and gentlefolk.

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