It really is true: What doesn’t kill you, does indeed, make you stronger. What they don’t tell you is that it happens again. It layers. Because you’ve gotten stronger. It isn’t a cycle or circle either. Like I said, it layers – stacks. As long as you live there will be more layers of bad times. It is a thing as constant as death and taxes and idiot governments.
For a while, realizing this made me very down. I couldn’t see a positive ahead of me because of those moments I knew would come in my future. The Future was Bleak; the Now was Bleak. The Bleak became a dark mass that rolled out from my heart and down arounnd me from everything happening. I thought I had hit rock bottom before, but this was really it. And it was bad.
Eating was difficult physicially and emotionally.
I couldn’t feel anything and that made me so mad I was furious! I agree – it makes no sense whatever, but that was what was going on inside. I was confused, in a sense, of what wasn’t genuinely feeling.
Pain, for me, is constant. Somewhere on my body, joints I am hurting. The smiley face is there for me because hurting at one degree or another is always there. And the pain increases. Pain can go from 0 to 100 in .01 seconds! Pain isn’t fun. It can be overcome, but it isn’t fun. So, my head was in such as spot I wanted to experiment to see if it was my body that didn’t feel or my soul.
The result of the experiment: At that moment I didn’t care I hurt or was hurting physically because my body was really just useless. My Soul was so overwhelmed with what was settling around me that it had all it could take, too. It felt like there was no room left on the inside of me to breathe or eat or express emotion. I couldn’t read, draw, write, knit, or paint to try and get some of the tensions and thoughts, emotions away from me.
I felt like I was drowning in a big deep, black ocean. The next thing I realized was that The Husband and my beautiful niece kept my head above water while they pulled me to the shore. The Husband did most of the pulling and swimming. He didn’t judge. He just kept heading toward the shore with me in tow. Even though they had gotten me to shore and I was safely on dry land, nothing was the same in my head.
After about two days a thought came to me: You can’t totally give into this.
Me: Why not?
Thought: Because you are probably going to live several years yet, and should. This isn’t the end.
Me: How do you know?
Thought: Oh! Come off it! You know the same.
And I did. There was going to be more hard times for me ahead.
Was that true? Was there a way to get out of the ick I felt myself in? Then another thought rushed in: It said, ‘You totally can’t give in to this‘ which implied the pit was even deeper, perhaps bottomless.
That made me physically feel sick – the pit, the black, the Dark could be even deeper.
So, I gave up and genuinely said, “God help me!”
I wasn’t really expecting anything to happen, except some more tears. Yes, there was more tears, but a warmth spread over and through me taking away all of the unnatural chill inside me. (I had been freezing for the past few days as it was.) The warmth was as though an extra blanket had been added to the bed on a chilly night. No, it was more like someone had wrapped an extra blanket around me. That is the best way I can describe it. The anxiety halved, which left a considerable amount remaining.
That is what I have to work on.
So – for many days I have been praying, reading the Daily Readings, and leaning heavily on my faith. I have also been leaning heavily on my Guardian Angel. The Husband is there, too. Rock steady.
Now I am finally feeling like a real human being. Mostly. LIke I said – there are some things I need to work through. Since it isn’t unusual to have an online counselor now, I am going to go that route.
Why am I putting this out to the public? Because there are others out there going through the same dark, deadly mass, and I need for you to know: It. Can. Get. Better, Just don’t give into it completely. It is going to be there, just don’t let it rule you.