I have been wallowing in inactivity for months now since finishing the first draft of Sleeper. It seemed the moment the thing was done all motivation to do something, anything ceased.
Finding out my sister has cancer pushed me down into a deep, obsidian hole; the sides, slick as glass. It has been so difficult to pray, eat, exercise, or even pet the animals or play with puppies. Everything has just been ‘outside’ of me to the point where I have felt out of time.
Not out-of-time as though I’ve run out of time, but more out of sync with Time. Days, nights, afternoons haven’t existed for me truly for months. The passage of time is just all the same. It isn’t separated. I feel un-moored from Life itself. It is a horrible feeling.
Today is Forgiveness Sunday for the Eastern Orthodox and I have always held it to be the true beginning of Lent for me instead of Clean Monday — this Monday the 2nd.
So, for Lent, I am going to work on getting my life and Self back into order because there simply isn’t any true worship coming from me. I am not living a Life. I am not even really existing at this point. This is the lowest I have ever been I think.
My goals for Lent this year are as follows:
- Keep me accountable. I am not quite sure how I am going to do this. I just know I am. More details will congeal as Lent progresses.
- Meditation every single day. I must re-train my brain.
- Exercise every single day.
- Be more involved in the life of the house.
- Be more involved with the living creatures in my home, especially my husband.
- Read the Daily Readings and Psalms every day of Lent.
- Find something to do for someone. Just as I was writing that sentence I knew immediately the person to choose: The Husband.
- Take care of myself. Every day.
- Work. Work on writing and everything else I’ve not been able to deal with.