As you can imagine, I am in a quandary about something. As many of you know, I am fighting to lose weight. Every day is a battle. Some days I just don’t want to be in this battle, and, honestly, between food and pain the food battle is a lot easier to deal with.
Most of my weight comes from a sedentary life-style and being in a wheelchair. I also love to eat. In my recent eating battles I don’t eat when I’m anxious. This is a BIG discover for me. I don’t eat when I’m angry. I definitely don’t eat when the pain is high. BUT I do love food. I love the different tastes and sensations of different food. When it is feasible and safe, I LOVE to cook and share my food with people. Part of this is due to being Southern and part is due simply to the fact I love sharing. (Remember my Christmas and birthday problem when people don’t want to open their presents right away? Yeah, kind of like that, just BIGGER!)
Since I’ve been on this weight war for a while I, and others, can look at me and see I am winning! *breaks into Happy Dance!* Now people are very curious as to how I’m doing it. I say, ‘Hard work and telling myself ‘No’ when I really want to just say ‘Yes!”
‘No, really, what are you doing? You’re in a wheelchair after all,’ is one reply I’ve been getting a lot. Mind you, this isn’t coming from my husband or my house mates because we all know how hard this is since every one of us is trying to lose weight and be healthier. Of all of us, Cheyenne is the one you can see the most change in. He inspires me to keep going.
I’m getting this from physical therapists and occupational therapists and nurses.
‘You need to write about this! It can inspire SO many people out there!’ they say.
Here is where the quandary comes in: How in the world could me writing about my own weight loss be inspiring anyone else in a wheelchair? Just because I am in a wheelchair I am pretty much just like anyone else. Instead of manambulating on my feet it is done on wheels. Somehow, writing about my weight loss makes me feel like I’m saying, ‘Hey! Look at me! Look at what I’m doing over here! Pay attention to me!’ and, truthfully, I don’t really want to call attention to my struggle with losing weight. It is hard. It is a struggle, and even though I’m succeeding, even with some big bright failures some days, it is a very private struggle.
Yes, I write about it some days here, but I don’t write about it often. Or try not to. I make an effort not to moan and groan about having to say no to a regular Coke or how seeing a chocolate doughnut once nearly put me into tears because I was hurting super bad and I just wanted a chocolate something. The commercial came on and I wanted to cry. Instead of crying or being depressed, though, I got myself a Diet Pepsi and I found something else to occupy my time. Huh, so I do use food to make me feel better on the sad days. Good to know.
Anyway, I don’t know what to do, really. Should I give in and write about what I’m doing about weight loss? If so, should it be a different journal or should it just be included here?
Should I do it even though it isn’t something I necessarily want to do?