2010 Has Come and Gone/2011 is Fresh and New and Sad

Christmas lights on Aleksanterinkatu.

Image via Wikipedia

There was an unexpected hiatus with The News for me.  I became extremely ill and it lasted a very long time; however, I did learn that when I am getting that sick I do end up getting very depressed.  So, note-t0-self: when depression is hitting as strongly as it did recently just go to the doctor and get it over with because something is going on with the body that means the brain cannot function as it normally should.  Why?  Because, for me, the head comes first.  The head takes care of the body and makes the body do what it should and therefore we overcome everything else.  When you feel so bad you cannot make the rest of you do what you need to do there is a problem and a red flag should appear, unless you are so sick you cannot see a red flag, which then causes a problem.  In my case this is a VERY BIG PROBLEM.

On December 24th I received a telephone call from my father-in-law telling me that my beloved Frogmomma, my mother-in-law had passed away suddenly.  Yes, it was a shock for all of us.  An official cause of death was not noted because it just seemed natural and sudden causes.  There wasn’t any foul play involved.  She just left the apartment to do some quick last-minute grocery shopping for Christmas dinner and was heading back to begin cooking.  She was happy and joking and looking for to Christmas.  She did her bit of shopping, made it into the front seat of her car and was gone.  Someone who knew her found her and the EMTs were called, but they could not revive her.  She was gone.

My husband was out doing some last-minute Christmas shopping and I had to call him home and tell him his wonderful mom was gone.  I felt ill. 

The funeral was December 30th and my husband and I, plus another close couple brought in 2011 quietly.  It all seems so surreal.  All of us keep expecting to receive telephone calls from her to ask how we liked our gifts but we haven’t even opened them yet.  It just seems wrong in some way to do so, but, at the same time, if we don’t open them soon I know she would be SO angry because she put so much love and thought into each gift selection. 

We are going to have our little Christmas celebration like we normally do this Saturday coming, January 8th because this is when all of our friends can get off.  It seems wrong in some way, but right in others.  Frogmomma would desire us to be happy and celebrate life and love and the season with joy to the greatest degree.

Her passing also makes me look at this new year with different eyes.  I now have to make the holidays and birthdays special for Kolbar and Big Daddy.  I can’t make them like she did and can never take her place, nor am I even going to try.  I just really want to make her happy and proud of me because I love her so very much.  She was my very dearest friend and my second mother.  I feel totally lost here without her.  Adrift without direction and cannot show the men how lost I truly am because they keep looking at me for strength I do not feel.  I too grieve, because she was my Frogmomma and I was her Froglet.  How strange are the names of endearment we develop for one another.

About Henrietta Handy

I have returned home to the mountains. No more am I "a mountain-girl far from home." Diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at 2 1/2, I understand pain, fatigue, laughter, joy, and love all while on crutches and in wheelchairs. This blog is just about me, mostly the writing side, but there are forays into so many different topics. I am married to a wonderful husband who puts up with my writing, knitting, yarn, with the love of a saint. We have fur babies, and one cat who rules us all.
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